Christmas is upon us – the season of giving and unconditional love. This made me ask the question, “Why do we have a season for this? Does this mean Spring, Summer, and Autumn are the seasons for taking and conditional love?” I realized that my answer may not be too far off the mark.

What is unconditional love? It sounds wonderful, but how often do we experience it? In essence, I suppose unconditional love is to send love to someone or something without expecting anything in return. This also, I suppose, would define unconditional giving.

I wondered how much of my love was conditional? Quite a lot, once I began to think about it. I love my husband as long as he treats me with respect, doesn’t sleep with others, bathes, etc. Is this really love? It is – it’s just conditional. I love my Dyson vacuum cleaner…as long as it works. Again, conditions. No wonder we worry so much about losing love. We know that the conditions we place on it are not in our control and can change in a second.

As I always say, you will receive an answer for every question you ask, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I received an answer to my “What is unconditional love?” question. It went something like this:

“Imagine you find a baby bird that’s cold, hungry, and obviously abandoned. It’s too young to fly. Would you attempt to feed it? Give it warmth? Give it love?”

“Yes”, I answered.

“Would you expect that bird to give you something back in return, or would you still love that bird if it became confident and healthy enough to fly away on its own without even giving you a second glance?” I understood that I would still love that bird and still choose to give it love because it needed love, and I would expect nothing in return.

My answer continued: “This is no different with people. All people need love. The nice and especially the nasty need love. So if you wish to love unconditionally, the question you must ask yourself when your husband annoys you, or when a person on the street behaves in a way you find offensive, or when a co-worker says a nasty word to you is “Is your heart big enough to love this person because they need love, even if they won’t love you back?” And when you say yes, in so doing, you give love not only to the person who needs it, but also to yourself, which is why giving unconditionally feels so very good.”

And I realized that if we, with our big hearts, were to allow ourselves to love others because they needed love, even if they won’t love us back, instead of judging them for their behavior, then the world would be filled with more loving, kinder, happier people. And there wouldn’t be any need for taking, because we would be giving to ourselves all the while, filled the joy of unconditional love. To give is to receive. I also realized that by withholding love from others, we, in turn, withhold it from ourselves. And there is no joy in that. Again, to give is to receive.

This Christmas may you be filled with the joy of giving and unconditional love. It is a priceless gift that can never be broken, defective, stolen, lost, or even run out of batteries. But beware, the moment you give unconditionally, you may find that your heart grows 3 sizes that day.

I send my love and the happiest Christmas blessings to you all… even if you don’t like this article. 

Focus, or more specifically, what we focus upon, is the most important component of creating what we want. The problem is most people do not focus upon what their focus is, and then are surprised when something unwanted shows up. If they had only focused upon where they were focusing, they surely would have seen that indeed they were focusing on the very thing they did not want. Confused?

Simply put, your reality, as you experience it, is created by your focus. You will see what you put focus upon. Ever wonder why two people can be in the same place at the same time having the same experience, and one of those people will think the experience was wonderful and the other one think it was dreadful? Because one is focusing on the good in the situation and the other is focusing on just the opposite.

For me, the concept of the power of focus and how it shapes our reality was hit home way back in 2000. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a beautiful cherry red Mazda 626. I was so excited about it. I never really paid much attention to Mazda vehicles before, but when I test drove this car, I fell in love. I also liked the idea that I hadn’t seen too many on the road, thus making my vehicle somewhat unique – I liked that very much.

Guess what happened next. I took my unique Mazda 626 out on the road and began to see them everywhere. At every intersection there seemed to be another driver enjoying the pleasure of a 626. Where did they all come from? Did the Mazda dealership all of a sudden sell hundreds of this make and model at the same time I bought mine? No. We all know the truth. They were there all time. I just wasn’t focused on them, so I never noticed.

Here is another example. After I did my first presentation at an international conference, I received, via email, the evaluations that people wrote about my session. The conference organizers gave you verbatim what people wrote on their evaluation forms. There were 39 evaluations filled out. 38 of the comments were glowing – absolutely incredible. And there was one comment that said and I quote, “I didn’t much appreciate being preached at. She did seem passionate about her subject though.”

At first, I was quite upset by this comment. I felt horrible someone mistook my enthusiasm as preaching. I began to justify in my mind why this person was wrong and, of course, a complete idiot. And then I stopped myself, and realized I was putting all my focus on one negative comment, when 38 others were just absolutely thrilled with my presentation. I shifted my focus and immediately shifted my reality. I went from feeling angry and upset to thankful and joyful in a matter of seconds. That’s the power of focus.

Where are you putting your focus? Is it on what you want? Do you foresee a happy ending? Or are you sure to expect something to go wrong? Are you certain that all will work itself out? Or are you most often worried it won’t come together? Pay attention.  You may be surprised to find that a string of happy moments are just sitting at every intersection waiting to be noticed.

We’ve all heard the clichés about how working as a team is more powerful than working alone; that no man is an island; that T-E-A-M stands for Together Everyone Achieves Miracles.

Perhaps, if you’re like me, you have had experiences where doing it yourself seems not only faster but gives you a better quality result. But last year my thinking on that changed when I had the opportunity to be on a team that was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Truly together we achieved miracles.

I was volunteering as a crew member for an Anthony Robbins event in Toronto – the same event I attended a few months previously where after the first day you walk barefoot over hot coals. I was placed on what was called “The Fire Team” – the group of people who were to build the fire and prepare the site for 3000 participants to walk barefoot over hot coals in the dead of night.

The first thing we were told by the captains of the team was that normally they have 50 volunteers to get the job done (there were 24 of us) and normally they get one break for dinner, but because of our low numbers, that may not happen. (Please note that the day begins at 8am and ends in the wee hours of the morning.) We were also told that the site managers wanted the whole thing cleaned up that night because they had a group coming in that morning and didn’t want them to see a charred mess when they arrived. In other words, expect to work all day, all night, get no breaks and plan to be there until 3:00 a.m.

OK so be it. I came to volunteer and that is what I did. And so did everyone else. We began our work preparing a park to be safe for 3000 people walking around barefoot in the dark. This meant clearing every twig, rock, piece of glass or whatever from the ground by hand. We assembled 18 wheelbarrows from scratch to be used during the day and to hold the coals that participants would walk on. We then put up a fence that scaled the perimeter of the CN tower park, which is quite large, so that no one would come wandering through the park while people were about to walk on coals. We sodded a rocky hill that led down into the park to protect people’s feet. We swept the concrete and sidewalks leading from the building to the park to remove any pebbles, stones, and sharp objects. We then created 18 firewalk lanes with 2 layers of sod, laid out 18 water hoses to each lane, and of course built and maintained the fire from which we got the coals from – which was another complex process and done on a 12’x 36’ foundation area made of 5 layers of sod which we laid. The fire needed to be stoked and kept burning for at least 6 hours before the coals are ready. All done again by our small but mighty crew.

What was so amazing about our small but MIGHTY crew was that we had so much fun doing it all. At lunch time we were actually ahead of schedule and took a break. At dinner time, we were still ahead of schedule and got an unprecedented second break! We all stayed until the very end when the last coals and sod were cleaned from the site and we were formally dismissed at 12:45 am. Unbelievable. Our team worked like magic.

The next day we had a debrief meeting. The captains said normally they give out a prize for the best seasoned fire team member and the best rookie. Since they were out of country, the Canadian promoter did not provide prizes for the fire team. The captains said it was for the best because they wouldn’t have wanted to choose. Everyone was that good.

That night we began bugging the captains asking them who would have received the prizes if they had them. They threw it back at us asking, “Who would you choose?” We all sat in silence not wanting to name someone over another. I finally said, “The reason we were such an amazing team is because no one person stood out above the rest.” We all nodded in agreement.

So that’s the secret to teamwork: Every person sharing a common vision for a common result. We all knew up front what we needed to do, how long it would take, and we all agreed to stay until the end to see it through. I guess that’s also a common expectation. The communication regarding what to expect was excellent. The only surprises were good ones like “Go eat!” Even the unexpected 4 hours of rain couldn’t dampen our spirits. There was too much good built up to wash it away.

The minute one tries to outshine another, the team is broken. The second one tries to sluff off duties so another has to pick up the slack, the team is damaged. The moment one leaves because they’re done even when the job isn’t, the team ceases to exist. If you expect to get a break and don’t, morale lowers. It’s about vision, outcome, and meeting expectations. If you get all those, you have the ingredients for a miracle. It’s a simple recipe, you just need to remember to follow it.

Do you consider yourself a rule-follower or a rule-breaker? Whatever the answer, one thing that you may not be aware of is that every person has their own set of rules they follow. These rules are important to know because they drive your every action.

Yep, every one follows a set of rules. You have rules for love, success, relationships, you name it. So if there is an area of your life that isn’t working so well, you need to look at your rules and redefine them.

For example, some time ago I looked at my rules for success. I asked myself, “What has to happen in order for me to feel successful?” My answers surprised me. I had to make a lot more money than I am now. I had to be acknowledged as successful by others, primarily by those in authority. I had to be given recognition (like awards, etc.). And, I had to be given a position of authority.

Pardon the expression, but what a load of crap! Yet, these were the rules I was living under. Picked up from my childhood and other experiences, this is the definition I had unconsciously given to success. Notice how my rules were really leaving me with no control. Under these rules, I was dependent on others’ actions and reactions to me to determine my level of success. I gave myself no say in the matter.

I quickly defined a new set of rules for success – a set of rules where I was in control of the outcome. Now, to me, success means helping another. Success means leaving someone happier and more content than when I first met them. Success is when I learn something new or do something better than I used to. Success is doing something I thought I couldn’t do. Success is giving. And success is continuing to love someone even when they do something I don’t love.

I like these rules a whole lot more because not only am I in control of my success, but I have a whole lot more capacity to feel successful every day. And that’s awesome.

So ask yourself, what has to happen for you to feel successful? What has to happen for you to feel loved? What has to happen for you to be in a passionate relationship? What has to happen for you to be happy? You may be surprised by your answers. You may think others are to blame for things not going well in your life, but it’s only because you set up your rules that way.  Know your rules; then change your rules. It will change your life.